13 months. How is that possible? On one hand it seems like just yesterday the kids came to stay with us. On the other, each struggle and hurdle we overcame seem so huge that it seems like forever ago. It's funny how time works. I really have been saying I would just feel like I could breathe and relax once we got that piece of paper tomorrow. However, today, the feelings I have are pretty overwhelming. So I guess I'll just start and journal whatever comes to mind because I know I'll want to look back and reflect on this day in the future.
the beginning . . .
Jackie and I knew we wouln't be able to have bio-children. The age difference and health stuff prevented it. I really struggled with it because in my heart I have the desire to be a mother and I wanted more than just one. We applied with a foster agency and were turned down in July '10. However, we had a sweet girl from our youth group that needed a place for about 6 weeks. We opened up our home and we learned more in that six weeks than we ever had. Most of all, we knew God was calling us to minister in this way. We decided to apply with CPS and we went one really snowy night and almost froze, but we heard that we could become licensed. We decided we would take the classes in the summer and begin fostering after that.
April 20, 2011. I was giving a presentation at school and was running around the house like crazy. When I got out of class I looked at my phone and Jackie had been trying to get a hold of me. Some kids from our school/sunday school class were being removed from their home by CPS. We loved these kids and had invited them to come spend the night several times over the past few months. We really attached to them. Jackie said, "it's bad, I'm not sure how bad, but it's bad. I hope you don't mind, but I told them we wanted to be considered for placement for these kids." I drove straight from school to the church. I got to hug the kids and make sure they knew how much we loved them. That afternoon I went home and prayed for them like I've never prayed for anything in my life. It was a Wednesday and we had a kid's night at church. We hadn't heard about the kids so we were unsure what would happen.
About 8:00 we got the call and we had less than thirty minutes to decide. It didn't even take us 30 seconds to know this was what God had been preparing us for. All the odds were stacked against us. The human side says, this is impossible. These kids have been through way too much. However, I'm so glad it's not just the human side of things. That first night I remember all the kids on pallets in the living room and I remember just being so grateful that they were safe and clean.
Over the last 13 months, all of my children have accepted Jesus and began a PERSONAL relationship with Him. They have bonded in ways that I never expected. They are all different and have their own personalities, weaknesses, and strengths. God has brought all four of them through great places this year. They have been challenged and asked to make a lot of tough decisions. The amount of healing and growth in them is overwhelming. None of us are the same as we were.
We have dealt with loss, grief, anger, pain, questions, sorrow, joy, laughter, sickness, rejoicing, and so many other things. We have had to deal with a lot of real big emotions. We all have had to learn new ways of doing things. Our family has been stretched to the max and experienced more joy than we thought possible. I get so overwhelmed with emotion when I think about all the ways God has provided for and protected my family. The physical provision is astonishing! Every need we have had God has provided over and abundantly. Jackie and I still love each other. Let me tell you, that's a miracle too. Some of the things we have been through could have easily overtaken our marriage. There is no way our family would be where we are without Jackie. God has provided patience when we didn't know what to do. Discernment to decided whether certain issues stemmed from abuse or normal kid behavior. We have learned a lot about each other.
I don't feel as I did the night before Taylor was born. I never dreamed of how amazing she would be and how she would change me and my life. I was so scared. Tonight I'm just so grateful and thankful and assured that our family will be taken care of. I feel peaceful and appreciative. I'm not scared of the teenage years. I believe we will be guided and provided for just as we have this past year. I'm choosing to believe that our teenage years will be full of struggles and victories. We will deal with the struggles and celebrate the victories.
So tonight I'm so thankful for the bonds that have been broken over my children. I'm so grateful that they will never ever walk back into that old life. They have been called out! I'm so thankful for Taylor's flexible attitude and ability to share and change. I'm so blessed to be surrounded by friends and family who love and support us. I'm amazed by our church family. They have been a constant source of support, encouragement and peace. I'm desperate for the day when no child has to experience the pain of abuse, but all children who are waiting for families can experience the hope of adoption day. I'm assured my children have a great purpose and they will change their worlds. Their God has provided for them and moved mountains to get to them. He must have a huge plan for them all. I'm clinging to the hope that our friends who are waiting for their children can experience this day too! I'm believing that their day will come too.
14 hours to go and counting down!
