I am so in love with my daughter it's unbelievable. The last four years have been an incredible journey. The Lord has taken us through so many seasons. I can look back and wonder how on Earth did we make it through that and I can see God at work in our lives like I never have been able to see before. I have wanted to be a mother for SO long. I can remember being about 5 and holding my cabbage patch doll with blonde hair and thinking about being a Mommy some day. At that time and for many years to come, I was thinking about bows and diapers and little bitty clothes and snuggling and rocking this sweet little baby to sleep. Fast forward to now, now I am awake in the middle of the night thinking about Barbies, teenage years, self-esteem, and loving God. For the last two years I have been pushing Taylor to be better and smarter and older and quicker and so many other things. Those things are all important, but I have forgotten that she is so little.
When I met Jackie, I was hurt and scarred SO deeply. The Lord brought him at just the right moment and healed so many wounds. Taylor needed a Daddy, a man who would love her and treasure her. She got so much more than that and so did I. I needed to hear that I could accomplish things, I needed to hear positive words from someone I loved and trusted. I was lost and felt like a failure. Jackie has stood right by my side as I burned the candle at both ends and drove us crazy. I worked full-time, went to school full-time, was a wife, a mother, Sunday school teacher, and volunteer for work committees, and whatever else I could get us into. I have been a good Mommy. I have rocked that baby, read to her, made sure she had good food, clothes, and am teaching her to love the Lord. I haven't been perfect, in no way close. I have put other things first and I'm ready to stop doing that!
Taylor is smart. Every parent thinks that about their kids, I know. But really she is smart, gifted. She just turned 4 and is starting to show signs of reading. There are so many things she can do and she's so "old" for her age, I have forgotten how small she really is.
We also LOVE her school. We believe in it's mission, adore the teachers and principal. We support it, I'd love to teach there someday. However, it has been a huge struggle for us since August. Taylor has had a hard time adapting. She did at her daycares too, I just didn't see it as much. Now she talks more and tells me more how she's feeling so it's so much more apparent to me. The Lord provided the school at just the right moment for us. In August, when I went from full to part time, the money we saved over her daycare was exactly my cut in pay. Almost to the penny. THIS WAS NO ACCIDENT.
Jackie and I have really been spending time in prayer asking God for a mission for our family. We have been really turning our lives over to Him in surrender. We have always loved the Lord and wanted to do His work. But we are stepping in faith to follow where the Lord is gonna take us. He has given us this amazing passion about fostering kids. His handprints have been all over the process so far! The last two weeks, God has been speaking to us individually about our family. Jackie, Taylor, and me. Last week Jackie and I met for breakfast and shared what God was laying on our hearts. God has given us both the desire for me to be at home. We sat down and planned a budget for me to be able to do so this summer.
We were both on board and excited about our new plans. Then God said, "Ok, you get my vision, you're trusting in Me. Now, let's do it on my time table not yours!" He didn't really speak that, but that's how I imagine He would have said it to me! :)
Taylor has had her name on the board at school almost every day in February. Two days she didn't since January 27. I don't even remember how many days in January, but I know it was a bunch. It's all for little things. Things that are important for a teacher and a school, but not really so much for my daughter and as a parent. We have been backing up the teacher and the school policies and trying to reinforce it at home. Taylor is strong-willed and determined so we know that we really have to focus on the behavior if we want it to change. So, when she got her name on the board, no fancy snack after school, no movies and early to bed. With my new position I get home from work at 6:30. Make dinner, give her a bath, and then it's bed time. So I had about 2 hours a day with her. How can I possibly be a godly mother with just two hours a day?
Thursday was the end. Jackie and I both had a little break down and knew that this was not working. I have been putting other things before my family. Jackie has been so helpful and doing a lot of the housework because I have been gone. It's taking it's toll on him. I used to always believe in both people doing equal shares of the housework. I'm not crazy, but I really believe that the Lord calls the woman to take care of the home. He gives me the eye for the detail that even though my husband is so wonderful, he just doesn't have. So we both just prayed and asked the Lord whole-heartedly for a solution. He gave us one. I put in my two weeks' notice at work today. I can no longer keep running at this pace. It's affecting my family in too many ways. I was too stubborn and selfish to see it in the beginning. But I feel like if I didn't have that time to heal and gain the confidence there would be no way we could take this step of faith now.
I started working because I had to. I was a single mother who was proud and needed to earn money to feed and diaper this little baby. Taylor was only 7 months old when I started work. She was so little. My mom was a huge blessing and took care of her so I could work and get on my feet. Taylor went to daycare after her first birthday. I remember the days leaving her screaming while I was crying all the way to work. She was telling me I'm not ready, but I felt like I had no choice. We switched her to a new daycare after about 7 months. It was a good decision to switch her but she would still cry when I dropped her off. She had one fabulous teacher who loved on her. I hated the feeling of walking off to head to work as my baby was crying. Jackie and I talked about me quitting work for like one second. I didn't trust him enough. Even though we were married, I wasn't ready to relinquish all the power that comes with making your own money to spend. At this point in our lives, that power is not worth the cost. Jackie has proved himself over and over again to me and Taylor. In many areas, he's stronger in his faith than I am and I've been a Christian twice as long. I have hundreds of examples of times where God has proved Himself over and over again to me! There is no rational reason for me not to trust that as we step out and follow His plan that He won't bless us and take care of us!
We sat down with our tax return, our bills and a budget. When we first started we needed to cut out 360 dollars a month in expenses. That's a LOT of money. It didn't seem possible. Jackie started praying, "God we are going to do what You want, provide a way for us to do it." As we began to work and move things around, we could see the number get smaller and smaller. By the time we were done, we had 43 extra dollars that weren't spent. That, my friends, is the LORD OF HEAVEN AT WORK!!! Today, we had a meeting with her teacher and principal. We will be moving her to just half a day three days a week. She's so smart and loves her friends so we don't want to take that away completly, but we do want to balance it and take the pressure off. Her mornings are good, the afternoons are where she gets restless and tired and the trouble begins. I really feel like this is going to be so positive and a good decision for our family! I will be able to have more time and that's what we really need now!
So the Smith's are slowing down. No more running, just strolling. My dad told me the other day to slow down and smell the roses. He had no idea what was going on. My sweet friend Cassie wrote two blogs the other day called Attitude Adjustment and From the bottom of my heart. She wasn't writing them to me. Anna wrote a blog called To do what is right and live without fear, she didn't write it to me either. My dear friend Chrisitine is always having something in her blog that makes me think about our life choices especially her post about the husbands way back. Does she write it to me? No, but the Lord used these to speak to me though. Every sermon, bible study, and song I've heard seems to make my focus go to the family. Is that luck or fate? Nope, that's my God giving me direction and reassuring me that He cares about my family!
So, I'm easing off. Less pressure. On Taylor, on Jackie, on me. Our days are numbered and I'm gonna enjoy it and have more smiles like these . . .
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