Brutal honesty

Life has been very wild the last few months in our house. There have been so many struggles it has felt like we are again in the throws of battle. I would love to say the struggles are all because of the kids, but if I am truly honest, most of the battles deal with my own selfishness.
Six months ago we agreed to an emergency foster placement for 4-6 weeks. I did mention that was 6 months ago right?? Miss V is high- spirited, loving, silly, and down right precious. Now everyone can see those things. What is not seen behind closed doors are the struggles she has with authority, bonding, obeying simple instructions, and controlling the level of her voice. See miss v was placed into foster care when she was 2 years old. We are the fifth placement she has had. Fifth! It's a terrible situation and a total fail of the system. Each move has valid reasons and a laundry list of excuses behind it. However, in the midst of all those moves there are key developmental stages (like toilet training, trusting of an adult, sharing, waiting, whispering, cleaning up, running, holding a pencil, learning letters, reading stories, I can keep going and going) that this little girl missed. That makes certain activities and family functioning very difficult at points.
Couple these skipped stages with the other issues of our kids and it feels like a melting pot of chaos on most days. See we have spent the last two years with three amazing kids and working through missed milestones. If I'm really honest, most of my frustration with miss v is because I'm tired. I'm tired of temper tantrums in stores, I'm tired of toilet accidents, I'm tired of bad dreams and screaming fits, and I'm tired of being unwilling to try new situation.
See I fully understand these things are part of having a life with small kids. However, we have endured two solid years of these Things. Two years of working to undo years of horrible abuse and wrongdoings. Two years of not sleeping a whole night alone with my husband all night without having a child come in from a bad dream or memory or accident. Two years of it times 4 kids who have been through things my mind can not even imagine. And add in Taylor, who has given up a "normal" childhood because of it. The only thing that has carried us this far is the support of our friends and family and knowing that God has called us to this work and specifically brought our family together.
We don't know what placement arrangements will be in miss v's future. There are a lot of people who make decisions on her behalf that never see her, never talk to us and that is another struggle you face when you are involved in this process. We do feel love for her and attachment to her. We know she feels it for us. I don't think another move is in her best interest. I also want to be selfish on those bad days and throw up my hands and say I don't have to do this, I've already done enough. I know I have lots of people in my life who mean well. They have good intentions and genuinely care
about me and my family. However, they have no idea how to talk to a mother going through my situation. I know I don't have to do this. We are doing it because we believe with every fiber of our being that we as Christians are called to take care of orphans and love the least among us. I don't need people reminding me that its hard and foster care kids come with baggage. Are you kidding me? We know all about baggage and still we can see past it. I don't need people reminding me my marriage can and will struggle because of our kids. We know that. We have to work extra hard at keeping our marriage healthy. We have to work extra hard to not blame each other for the chaos in our home on a regular basis.
I need people to come along side me and just walk through this with us. I need people to just show up to help or to take a kid or two for a special treat. I need people who won't get scared or overwhelmed when I need to really talk about what our real everyday life with our kids is like. I need people who understand why homeschooling is so important to the development of our kids, and how we are trying to make up for lost time. I need people who understand what I mean when I say, I'm tired and I don't know if I want to do this anymore. Most of all we need people battle with our family in prayer. Seeking God favor on our family and praying for things I may not think of praying for our family about. People who will genuinely spend time praying over each of our kids, our marriage, and our roles as parents.
I'm frustrated with constant fighting. Im tired of constantly having cps people in my house. i want to hole up my family and Never let another worker in our house. I'm tired of paperwork. I'm tired of having to document every scratch, bruise, and bump. I'm frustrated with going to the store and constantly having to say put that down, don't touch, please sit in the basket. I am beyond frustrated with the question, are all those kids yours? I want to slap people when they say that, especially right In front of the kids!! I am so frustrated by not being able to go to the bathroom without being interrupted. I haven't been able to poop in peace alone, for two years!
Most of the struggles have been because of my own struggle with selfishness and a sense of entitlement. See I have listened to those voices saying wow, I couldn't do what you do. I wouldn't want to give up so much. Or I don't know how you homeschool, I need a break from my kids. All those sayings, even if they are from well meaning people, have become the voice of the enemy in my life. I have not given up too much, I have not endured enough, I have not suffered enough for the gospel. God gave me this life to bring glory to Him. I want to be able to see Him in heaven and be able to show my life as a true testimony of what The Lord accomplished through a willing life.
See because deep down, God placed a passion for adoption and for loving kids in our hearts. Deep down we will always keep doing it. Deep down we love and protect our marriage. Deep down I know Taylor will be a better person for all God had brought her through and she will be blessed for what she has been willing to sacrifice at such a young age. Deep down we will make it even if people don't offer to babysit, or help fold laundry, or drive a kid to a practice for me. The Lord will give us all we need to accomplish what He has called us to do. He will not bring us to this place and abandon us. We might have to wonder around like the children of Israel in the dessert for a while, but He provides manna, water, shoes that don't wear out, all the things necessary to complete the work and someday we Will see the promised land!
So right now we are in the dessert. I know God is leading us, I know He is providing for us in ways I overlook and take for granted, and I know this season will pass and we will move on to another season. And I know someday I will look back and realize this season was bad but it was also a season full of growth and learning, and rejoice that we made it through stronger and a better family!!