Swim time

Our kids love the pool! Taylor has always been part-fish. :) we went swimming four times this weekend and then again today. Swimming is a great way to help with trust and bonding, as well as strengthening the physical muscles.
When we first got Cameron, Michael, and Madyson they were so deathly afraid of the water. We spent so much time in the pool overcoming those fears. It's one of the coolest things to see them swim now. They do tricks off the diving board and can really move through the water. It's an amazing testimony to God's faithfulness and healing!!
So we have been working on those same things with miss V. The water has been so scary to her. However, this weekend she actually put her face all the way under the water on purpose!! Tonight, she used a pool noodle and kicked her legs and actually stayed afloat even after I let go!! Wow!!!
We have been reciting Isaiah 41:10 while we are swimming. "So do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
This weekend as we were swimming I wondered how many times I fight the urge to trust God. He's right there ready to catch me. Even though it seems scary and overwhelming, I can trust that He is right there ready to catch me before I sink. Is as I talked her through our pool time tonight, I felt the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart that same verse of calm reassurance.

Brutal honesty

Life has been very wild the last few months in our house. There have been so many struggles it has felt like we are again in the throws of battle. I would love to say the struggles are all because of the kids, but if I am truly honest, most of the battles deal with my own selfishness.
Six months ago we agreed to an emergency foster placement for 4-6 weeks. I did mention that was 6 months ago right?? Miss V is high- spirited, loving, silly, and down right precious. Now everyone can see those things. What is not seen behind closed doors are the struggles she has with authority, bonding, obeying simple instructions, and controlling the level of her voice. See miss v was placed into foster care when she was 2 years old. We are the fifth placement she has had. Fifth! It's a terrible situation and a total fail of the system. Each move has valid reasons and a laundry list of excuses behind it. However, in the midst of all those moves there are key developmental stages (like toilet training, trusting of an adult, sharing, waiting, whispering, cleaning up, running, holding a pencil, learning letters, reading stories, I can keep going and going) that this little girl missed. That makes certain activities and family functioning very difficult at points.
Couple these skipped stages with the other issues of our kids and it feels like a melting pot of chaos on most days. See we have spent the last two years with three amazing kids and working through missed milestones. If I'm really honest, most of my frustration with miss v is because I'm tired. I'm tired of temper tantrums in stores, I'm tired of toilet accidents, I'm tired of bad dreams and screaming fits, and I'm tired of being unwilling to try new situation.
See I fully understand these things are part of having a life with small kids. However, we have endured two solid years of these Things. Two years of working to undo years of horrible abuse and wrongdoings. Two years of not sleeping a whole night alone with my husband all night without having a child come in from a bad dream or memory or accident. Two years of it times 4 kids who have been through things my mind can not even imagine. And add in Taylor, who has given up a "normal" childhood because of it. The only thing that has carried us this far is the support of our friends and family and knowing that God has called us to this work and specifically brought our family together.
We don't know what placement arrangements will be in miss v's future. There are a lot of people who make decisions on her behalf that never see her, never talk to us and that is another struggle you face when you are involved in this process. We do feel love for her and attachment to her. We know she feels it for us. I don't think another move is in her best interest. I also want to be selfish on those bad days and throw up my hands and say I don't have to do this, I've already done enough. I know I have lots of people in my life who mean well. They have good intentions and genuinely care
about me and my family. However, they have no idea how to talk to a mother going through my situation. I know I don't have to do this. We are doing it because we believe with every fiber of our being that we as Christians are called to take care of orphans and love the least among us. I don't need people reminding me that its hard and foster care kids come with baggage. Are you kidding me? We know all about baggage and still we can see past it. I don't need people reminding me my marriage can and will struggle because of our kids. We know that. We have to work extra hard at keeping our marriage healthy. We have to work extra hard to not blame each other for the chaos in our home on a regular basis.
I need people to come along side me and just walk through this with us. I need people to just show up to help or to take a kid or two for a special treat. I need people who won't get scared or overwhelmed when I need to really talk about what our real everyday life with our kids is like. I need people who understand why homeschooling is so important to the development of our kids, and how we are trying to make up for lost time. I need people who understand what I mean when I say, I'm tired and I don't know if I want to do this anymore. Most of all we need people battle with our family in prayer. Seeking God favor on our family and praying for things I may not think of praying for our family about. People who will genuinely spend time praying over each of our kids, our marriage, and our roles as parents.
I'm frustrated with constant fighting. Im tired of constantly having cps people in my house. i want to hole up my family and Never let another worker in our house. I'm tired of paperwork. I'm tired of having to document every scratch, bruise, and bump. I'm frustrated with going to the store and constantly having to say put that down, don't touch, please sit in the basket. I am beyond frustrated with the question, are all those kids yours? I want to slap people when they say that, especially right In front of the kids!! I am so frustrated by not being able to go to the bathroom without being interrupted. I haven't been able to poop in peace alone, for two years!
Most of the struggles have been because of my own struggle with selfishness and a sense of entitlement. See I have listened to those voices saying wow, I couldn't do what you do. I wouldn't want to give up so much. Or I don't know how you homeschool, I need a break from my kids. All those sayings, even if they are from well meaning people, have become the voice of the enemy in my life. I have not given up too much, I have not endured enough, I have not suffered enough for the gospel. God gave me this life to bring glory to Him. I want to be able to see Him in heaven and be able to show my life as a true testimony of what The Lord accomplished through a willing life.
See because deep down, God placed a passion for adoption and for loving kids in our hearts. Deep down we will always keep doing it. Deep down we love and protect our marriage. Deep down I know Taylor will be a better person for all God had brought her through and she will be blessed for what she has been willing to sacrifice at such a young age. Deep down we will make it even if people don't offer to babysit, or help fold laundry, or drive a kid to a practice for me. The Lord will give us all we need to accomplish what He has called us to do. He will not bring us to this place and abandon us. We might have to wonder around like the children of Israel in the dessert for a while, but He provides manna, water, shoes that don't wear out, all the things necessary to complete the work and someday we Will see the promised land!
So right now we are in the dessert. I know God is leading us, I know He is providing for us in ways I overlook and take for granted, and I know this season will pass and we will move on to another season. And I know someday I will look back and realize this season was bad but it was also a season full of growth and learning, and rejoice that we made it through stronger and a better family!!

Suprise Get-away!

To say things have been crazy at our house the last two months would be the understatement of the century!  In January, Mr C started visits with his bio-dad. 

(Bio-dad has been in PRISION for child abuse with one of Mr C's siblings, and was released early in November because of over-crowding.  I have so many rants about that part, but I will save those for another time.)

Mr C has had a horrible time since these visits started.  Horrible does not even begin to describe the extent of the behaviors we have seen in him.  He began seriously acting out on the other children and on us.  Jackie and I began to sleep in shifts so that one of us could watch him.  It was so painful to see this precious little boy suffer so much.  He was being tormented by these demons from his past that he has been working so hard to put away.  We spent many hours with his therapist in her office and on the phone.  We began the horrible process of documenting his behavior to have his level of care raised.  We knew that once we began this process he would have to move from our home.  It honestly was and is the most painful decision we have ever had to make.  His behavior was no longer just his issue, it was affecting all of us.  Jackie and I had brusies and scratches from his fits after these visits.  So many things that I can't share here.  They are too private and painful to recall.  Our house was not a safe place for the other children in our family, or for us. 

We had to admit him to the hospital for 5 days in February.  The change in our other kids was instant.  It was like they started breathing again.  The sense of peace was restored to our home.  We agonized over what to do when we were asked if he could return.  Absolutely, was our answer.  The doctor made a medication change during his stay and we showed up for a family visit and they said, "Surprise, he's coming home today!"  He came home worse than when he left.  He stayed 5 days and they were the most horrible I have ever experienced.  The medication was completly wrong.  He had the worst fit I have ever witnessed.  It lasted four hours.  Four hours of seeing him in intense anger and frustration and pain and being unable to do anything but grab pictures and things as they were flying.  We had to readmit him. 

At that point, we finally realized the decision we had to make.  Our son, he is our son in every way possible, was needing help.  He was needing help that we were unable to provide.  We heard back from his caseworker and his level of care had been bumped up to specialized.  We are a basic foster home and there is a moderate level and then specialized.  Jackie and I struggled with Mr C and continue to do so.  We pray for him and we are preparing for the day he will be able to return home.  He has been through more things than we will ever know.  He deserves a chance to get every bit of help he needs because he deserves a safe life far away from the abuse and neglect he suffered.  Once those visits began, he began spiraling out of control.  The difference in him after a visit was unlike anything I have ever witnessed.  He became a different boy.  Since January, he became consumed about worrying if it was a day he had to go to a visit.  We miss him more than I can ever express.  We are still active in his case and we are still considered the adoptive placement for him.  The process might take a few months, it might take a few years, we don't know.  We are praying he will be able to have all the help he needs so that he can heal and become the man God designed him to be.  Please pray for him!!

This battle for Mr C has left us all exhausted and in need of some fun focused attention.  Our other children are so resilent and brave.  They have been so dilligent to pray for Mr C daily and to be very honest about their feelings and fears.  God has protected them so many times.  He covered them and while they were exhausted and worn out from the last months, they were not regressing or acting out.  We all needed a break, desperately!  So, Thursday night Jackie and I secretly packed their suitcases while they were all sleeping!  We surprised them the next morning with a picnic.  We started driving, after about an hour in the car Taylor says, "Mommy did you forget the picnic?"  We busted out laughing and told them we weren't having a picnic, but a mini-vacation!  They yelled out in delight! 

We drove to Oklahoma City.  We stayed in a nice hotel and went swimming as soon as we got there!  Then we all got dressed up and went to see STOMP. 

Of course I snagged the moment where we were all dressed up and happy to get a few pictures!  The kids have the biggest smiles on their faces!!

The kids all looked so nice!  They really liked getting all dressed up and not knowing what we were doing.  They were all sure we were going to a nice restaurant.  They were so confused when we drove through at Wendy's and had nuggets for supper!

We sat way up at the top, like two rows from the very top.  The seats were ok, we knew that we didn't want great seats because we weren't sure how the kids would do at the show.  The boys did awesome!  They loved the show and were SO well behaved.  The girls did great for being late at night, after a swim and a long drive, and only being 5 years old.  Now, don't ask the people around us, they might have said something else.  I only got to snap two pictures of us before the show.  The usher was really mad I took those two pictures.  It was even 20 minutes before the show started, but she didn't care.

The next morning we slept in a little bit and then dressed and headed for the next surprise.  We met up with Uncle Wes and Aunt Tiffany (they were on a mini-vacation there too) at the Oklahoma City zoo.  This zoo is awesome, huge, but awesome.  We packed a picnic and snacks and began the hike to see the animals.  We started about 10:30 and we stayed until 4:30.  There were so many cool animals, and SO much walking.  We let the kids feed the giraffes.  It was so awesome.  They got to see the tongue up close and we were the very last ones in.  It was one of the highlights of the day.  Now, my husband is not a fantastic photographer.  That is his finger in the top left corner of the picture.  I'm still thankful that he was willing and available to snap these pictures.  Plus, I'm glad he's ok with me making fun of him for it!  He's a great sport!

They have lots of statues of animals around the zoo, of course we took pictures on all of them.  I'm just too lazy to black out the other kids' faces, so if you will turn your head to the left, you can see Taylor and imagine the 43 other ones on my camera!

Another statue picture . . .

If you go to this zoo, you HAVE to see the sea lion show.  It's so awesome!  The kids loved it.  It reminded me of a mini version of the shamu (sp?) show at Sea World.  They did tricks, made jokes, splashed people, and had great music to dance to.  Taylor was loving on her Daddy and I got this great picture of it!  They have so much fun together!

Jackie and I had so much fun just enjoying the kids and getting away from all the junk that comes along with what we do.  We really needed this time to reconnect and remember that at the end of the day we are so blessed and we really like each other and our family!!

We did get a few group pictures of the kids.  Mr C's bio-brother is the little boy in the green.  He's so adorable.  It's been amazing to see the change in him over the past few weeks.  He's running, talking up a storm, and has really blossomed out of his shell.  We are so glad we are such great friends with other foster parents. 

So needless to say, it was an awesome trip.  We stopped at Jackie's sister's house on the way home and introduced the kids and spent a few hours visiting.  It was so good for Jackie.  He was so happy.  I think sometimes he tries so hard to move on from his past that tries to block out all of it.  Even the good stuff.  We had a great talk on the drive home.  We got home about midnight.  It was just what we needed.

So where are we with the other kids??  We are officially moving to the adoption unit April 1st.  We hired our attorney today and we are just waiting on April to get here and to start the mountains of paperwork that are headed our way.  So, we are praying that by the end of May we will have three more kids who share our name and we can share their names and faces with you!